Interview: Business Mouse

How's business, Business Mouse?
Up and down, like a hospital toilet seat.

What makes you tick?
I dont know. I'm paying a doctor to look into it. It's drowning out me iPod.

What's the most madcap business you've invested in?
Inner city blacksmiths. On paper we were flogging two pairs of shoes for every horse. That's good numbers.

Any tips for budding entrepreneurs
Never be afraid to torch it for the insurance.

What's on your iPod?
Flight of the bumblebee, I love it, I have it on all the time, it was me Mum's favourite as well, we played it at her funeral, bit of a weird atmosphere. Vicar said it was the fastest funeral he'd ever done, all over in 10 minutes, that includes shoving her in the hole.

Some say your approach reflects a certain Lord Sugar. Are you a fan of Big Al?
Al's great, I'm big fan but I do think he's sliding down the pantomime route, and I say that as a cartoon mouse.

Ever watch Dragons' Den?
I tell you what I've got a lot a time for Hilary. Me and her had a bit of a thing going in the early 1980s. I've still got some of her jackets round my place; I like to curl up in the shoulders sometimes.

What do you make of the other famous Mouses? Mickey? Danger? Finger?
They're really getting on a bit some of them, nice guys but quite hard to hold a conversation with 'em.

Have you ever had your phone hacked?
I was on the phone to Trump the other day, he's going on about the golf course stuff again. I thought I heard a clicking noise. We got to the bottom of it; he was fiddling about with a false tooth with his tongue. We've all done it.

What are your views on the euro crisis? How's your exposure?
Not bothered, I usually go to Florida for me holidays. Now you mention it I did get done for exposure in Paris, but I don't want to paint the place in a bad light.

Who's the biggest cheese you know?
I regularly have a tweet up with Theo; he peaks at the same time of day as me – between 3am and 5am in the morning.

Are you a fan of David Cameron?
 Yeah. He invited me to be part of some think tank or something – sent me a personal letter. Couldn't work out what the fuck he was on about, he'd done it all in different coloured crayons. Think he's under a lot of pressure. Having said that, I do like his chubby little cheeks.

Who inspires you?
I find I can get inspiration anywhere, nature and that… The other day I was watching a fly bashing into a window again and again for about two hours. I thought, yeah, fucking go for it mate.

What do you make of criticism levied against disproportionate executive compensation and calls to make CEO pay more reasonable?
That's a tricky one. I find it quite hard to talk about the size of my pay packet without reaching a heightened state of sexual arousal. I think that's why they always film 'em from the waist up on Newsnight.

How’s your bonus looking this year?
I might take a photograph of it for ya!

Is there a Mrs Mouse?
Still very difficult for me to talk about it, without a solicitor present

What’s your biggest fear?
A massive bee like the size of a house flies in over the hill – big teeth and that – bites me head off and spits it into a cup then does a little dance. Irrational, innit? Chances are, it'll never happen.

What’s the best decision you ever made?
Sometimes it pays not to make decisions. I was at a wedding the other week and couldn't decide between chicken or beef, so I just had a biscuit. Next day everyone died of food poisoning. You do the stats on that one. I reckon it was the trifle; I didn't have that either.