JP Morgan grasses itself up: fined £33m

 JP Morgan yesterday branded itself "a f****ing grass" and vowed to "do myself in the showers" when it was revealed that the company had reported itself to the FSA for irregularities in fund separation.

"Where's yer tool?" the investment bank demanded of itself yesterday in a tense stand off outside the loos on E Wing.

Earlier in the day, JP Morgan was seen leaving the Governor's office after reporting itself to the FSA for not separating customer and company funds from the early Noughties onwards.

In other news just in: Barclays describes it's own consumer account charges as, "a f***ing disgrace", Goldmans partner denounces himself in prison kangeroo court and brands his bonus, as "a piss-taking liberty of the highest order" and earlier this week, the Bank of England caught itself alone in an empty cell and cut itself up real bad with a razor blade hidden in a bar of soap.

"Now you won't look so pretty for your f***ing boyfriend Vince," the Old lady of Threaneedle Street was heard to mutter to herself as she departed the scene. She was also heard to shout to the FSA, "you ain't seen me, alright?"

Prison insiders have predicted a 'long hot Summer' of violence in the City.