For years I've wanted to visit Burger & Lobster. With a name like that, how could I not? Its shameless promise of More Is More appeals to the inner child in a similar manner to Snakes on a Plane or Rock Em Sock Em Robots. Greed is good. Everyone can have nice things. Aliens AND Predators? Yes please.

The place didn't live up to my expectations: it surpassed them. I can't say Burger & Lobster is the finest restaurant in London because London has a lot of restaurants and taste is subjective. But in a certain mood, Burger & Lobster might be my favourite restaurant in London. Why pick between Freddie and Jason when you can be brutally murdered by both?

Burger & Lobster feels like it's been around forever (I suppose lobsters have) but the first one opened in Mayfair in 2011. Now the brand boasts nine restaurants across London, as well as outlets in New York, Dubai, Bangkok, Malaysia, Kuwait and Singapore. Soon the planet will be covered by burgers, lobsters and perhaps a weird hybred of the two. Sign me up.

What's the vibe?

Perfectly fine. The lighting is a nice level. There's a vaguely nautical theme. The tables are spaced far enough apart so your neighbours aren't sat on your lap but numerous enough to leave no doubt as to Burger & Lobster's rampant popularity.

I'm writing this the morning after and I literally can't remember if there's music – almost certainly but it's a good sign nonetheless. We visited the Soho branch but I'd hazard the experience is fairly consistent across the board.

Enough with the vibe. Let's get to the good stuff.

Burger & Lobster Mayfair

What to eat?

Steak and crab obviously. And that's the last dad joke of the review. OK so you have a selection of burgers and lobster, including a wagyu version of the former. Of the latter? May I direct your attention to the Big Boys board: lobsters ranging from 1.7 to 2.6kg. How wide are your trousers, Sunny Jim?

Our waiter Stevie brought the biggest boy out on an platter to show us - still alive, naturally. Not a lobster but a LOBSTER. He was a magnificent specimen (the lobster, not Stevie; well, both in fairness) but I'm glad a similar practice isn't followed with the burger, Stevie leading a doleful Nebraskan Hereford through the tables for my inspection before dispatching her to the abattoir out back. Crustaceans are one thing but it's hard not to befriend a cow.

Down to business. It's not called burger or lobster; it's called burger and lobster. Get the combo platter you coward – it also comes with a lobster roll. And give that burger some cheese and bacon while you're at it. We're going Henry VIII on this bad boy.

Burger & Lobster Combo

Oh it's magnificent. The burger would make a New Yorker drool, the lobster is lobster, there are two – TWO – separate boats of melted butter (one spicy), beautiful crispy fries and the most perfunctory salad bow in existence. When you're finished you want to hold the platter aloft, like a trophy. Don't. You'll make a mess. Unless you have the foresight to drain both butter boats a la freshers week on the dairy farm.

You can augment your meal with a few oysters (never a dumb move) and either cheesecake or creme brulee for desert - the latter is particularly good. But frankly these are mere supporting acts to a headline set that blows the goddamn roof off. 

What to drink?

There's a decent selection of cocktails and wine. Lobstar Martini and Pistol Punch are appropriately fun orders: Lobstar Martini is essentially a Porn Star Martini, Pistol Punch is bright yellow and awash with rum. The standout is St Nick's Shoemaker: rich and sweet and velvety, like your favourite courtesan. Plus it comes with a biscuit, one of those cute little French ones – also like... oh you know.

Wine? Um. If you order burger go red, if you order lobster go white. The combo? Rose, I guess. Or a bottle of each, alternating between glasses depending on your most recent mouthful. That's how a king would do it.

Burger & Lobster Scallops

What's the damage?

Depends how kingly you go. The combo is £72 and that's a hell of a deal. The wine starts at £26 a bottle and peaks under £50. Cocktails are all £11ish. 

Basically, you'll have to be reasonably stingy to spend under £100 here and quite extravagant to break much over £150. Although a combo platter and a couple of beers would see you under three figures and perfectly sated. 

Anything else to note?

Shoutout to our waiter Stevie, the one who brought out the lobster. Charm and efficiency personified.

All the staff here seemed very good at their jobs but Stevie turned a pleasurable experiences into an utterly joyous one. Even during the biggest of experiences, the little things that still count. 

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Outlets across London; Burger & Lobster

Burger & Lobster has teamed up with Max Halley of Max’s Sandwich Shop to launch two limited-edition lobster rolls, championing British classics. The Lobster Cocktail Roll and Fish & Chip Lobster Roll will be available at all nine B&L locations until 6th June.