HOW TO MEET, BED AND MARRY THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS
Women just want to jump in bed with me. I can't help it; it's just something I live with. Every once in a while a woman comes along who does not want to sleep with me. It's weird but it happens. My first reaction is always the same: Do I look like the man who killed her dog? If it's not that, then I know she's just a psychologically damaged frigid woman who needs a little Burgundy thaw. I start by asking her out on a date. Now is not the time to be cheap. Take her to an Olive Garden or Red Lobster. If you have a skill, like playing the flute, or you can juggle, now is the time to spring it on her. The mystery you have inside you unfolds. She's probably thinking, if you can juggle, what else can you do? She's going to be intrigued.
HOW TO RELATE TO CHILDREN
If you can instill a little confidence in a child, then you've gone a long way to being a great parent. A ten-year-old will feel on top of the world if you can teach them to drive on a freeway. From what I understand the Chinese allow their children to operate heavy machinery making garments and fabricating car parts at a very young age. This must do gang-busters for their confidence!
HOW TO SURVIVE A PRISON RIOT
Use a verbal assault. Different theories abound here. Do you come across as more fearful without talking? Are a few choice words all you need? The scariest man I ever came across inside or outside of prison was a man who could squish a human head in a fight and all he ever said was, "I'm going bananas!" He didn't open his mouth for any other reason but to say those words, and if he was saying those words, it was too late, my friend! So sometimes a man of few words can indeed be a terrifying thing.
LET ME OFF AT THE TOP!: My Classy Life & Other Musings by Ron Burgundy is published by Century, £16.99. Available at all good book shops now. No, really!
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues is out now.
