We’re sorry (we’re not) but any adult who claims they don’t miss bouncing around on a bouncy castle is either lying or never bounced on a bouncy castle to begin with.
(Or they’ve bought a bouncy castle for their kids, a bouncy castle on which they happily bounce while the kids are doing homework or washing the car or whatever it is the kids must do in order to earn bouncing privileges on the parental bouncy castle, the parental bouncy castle upon which the parents bounce. To those parents, fair dos. Bounce away.)
To the rest of the adult population, the adults who haven’t been on a bouncy castle since childhood, or incarcerated, allow us to present The Monster.
Hold up – let’s try that again, in our best Michael Buffer ‘World Title Fight In Vegas’ reverberating baritone: Allow Us. To Present...
[Cue electric guitar riff that would make Slash shit a snake, and much confetti. Wait, not confetti – fireworks! And laser beams! And a tiger! No, scrap the tiger. Fireworks and laser beams. Fireworks and laser beams are enough.]
Following two SELLOUT years, The Monster returns to Alexandra Palace for another knockout bank-holiday weekend – BIGGER and BETTER THAN EVVVVVV–VAAAAAA!!
(Ever. The word is ‘ever’. Again: think Michael Buffer. Not Bruce. Bruce does UFC. We’re using Michael. The better Buffer. The buffer Buffer, for that matter: Bruce looks a bit like a gnome.)
Consider The Monster. Running for 300 METRES, boasting more than 40 obstacles – OB-STA-CALLS – including the 18-metre MEGA SLIDE, the mind-blowing EXTERMINATOR and the terrifying HOUSE. OF. HELLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
DO YOU DARE TAME IT?
Fantastic. It’ll cost you £25 for an all-day ticket – AN ALL DA you can go now, Michael – although group discounts are also available. You’ll be given a timeslot, don’t be late. Or attempt to sabotage your fellow competitors – it’s not a competition. Well, obviously it IS a competition, a fierce one, but try to win b̶y̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶a̶n̶s̶ ̶n̶e̶c̶e̶s̶s̶a̶r̶y fair and square.
Oh nuts, we forgot the other stuff to keep you amused when you’re not running around like an over-caffeinated five-year-old. (Michael, come back!) Take your pick from:
• Boozy Bingo
• Giant Unicorn and Flamingo Ball Pits
• Drag Queen Karaoke
• Glitter Wheel of Wonder
• Mega Beer Pong
The website includes explanations for all these things, but we’d prefer to cede the floor to imagination. Honestly, we haven’t even looked ourselves. Drag Queen Karaoke seems relatively self-explanatory (and by the way, GET OUT OF OUR NIGHTMARES) but Glitter Wheel of Wonder? Your guess is as good as ours.
Oh, and there’ll be street food, and decidedly un-street drink – craft beer, cocktails, and champagne, m’lud – because you’ve gotta regurgitate something halfway through (down? through) the Exterminator. There’s also a two-day children special, but honestly, screw the children, the children get to bounce on bouncy castles whenever they wish. If one of the little shits runs past, squash ‘em like a cockroach.
For more info, see the Monster