How England can win the World Cup

As England prepare for another World Cup campaign, the usual questions are being asked in pubs across the land. Is football finally coming home? If not, who can we blame this time? And, of course, can England win a penalty shootout, or should we simply skip straight to despondency, despair and national self-recrimination?

But perhaps we're asking the wrong questions - maybe England's biggest problem isn't a lack of talent, strategy or leadership… but a surplus of conscience.

My new book argues that modern life increasingly rewards traits associated with psychopaths - qualities such as ruthlessness, manipulation, emotional detachment, a win-at-all-costs mindset and a semi-criminal willingness to break the rules. Whilst these are all terrible qualities to find in a colleague, and even worse your spouse, they are exactly what’s needed to excel in elite sport.

I believe that if England are finally to end 60 years of hurt our players will have to get in touch with their inner psychopath. Not their inner Hannibal Lecter but the cold, ruthless killer we saw in players such as Diego Maradona, Zinedine Zidane and, of course, Roy Keane - men who viewed gentlemanly behaviour and sportsmanship much like Blackbeard viewed maritime law.

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON SCORING PENALTIES

Psychopaths possess an unusual ability to remain calm under pressure. While normal people imagine disaster, psychopaths remain emotionally detached. England, by contrast, often look as though their heart rates hit 185 the moment a match goes to penalties.

Germany treat shootouts like a routine administrative task and their players never appear burdened by thoughts of national humiliation or tomorrow's newspaper headlines. They simply pick a corner and get on with it which explains why Germany have never lost a World Cup penalty shootout.

England's sports psychologists spend years encouraging players to ‘manage pressure’. Perhaps they would be better off if they encouraged them to behave more like Der Terminators and ignore it completely.

While normal people imagine disaster, psychopaths remain emotionally detached.

IGNORE THE HERD

Psychopaths don't care what other people think because they're convinced that they know best. While this makes them unpopular at dinner parties, it makes them surprisingly effective in brutal environments such as Helmand Province, investment banking and World Cup football.

The greatest example of ignoring groupthink was the Dutch side of the 1970s. While everyone else was obsessed with positions, Johan Cruyff and Rinus Michels helped invent Total Football. Defenders attacked, strikers defended and players roamed wherever they pleased. Traditionalists thought it was madness, but opponents could not handle it and thus the Dutch reached two consecutive World Cup finals. The Dutch succeeded because they stopped worrying about how football was ‘supposed’ to be played and had sufficient self-belief to think outside the box… literally.

The Dutch succeeded because they stopped worrying about how football was ‘supposed’ to be played

GET INSIDE THE OPPOSITION'S HEAD

Manipulation is perhaps the psychopath's defining skill. They understand that controlling emotions is often easier, and more important, than controlling events. No World Cup winner embraced this philosophy more enthusiastically than Carlos Bilardo's 1986 Argentinian team. Bilardo famously played mind games like a Cold War spy - he cultivated a siege mentality, convinced his players the world was against them and sought every conceivable way to unsettle opponents and exploit weaknesses.

The objective was simple: make the opposition think about anything except football. England, home to that woeful phrase "it's not the winning but the taking part that counts", have traditionally preferred to be admired for their fair play whilst Argentina preferred to be feared as blood-thirsty assassins. One nation has won three World Cups whilst the other still dines out on something that happened in 1966.

WIN AT ALL COSTS

Psychopaths are ruthlessly outcome-focused. Results matter and everything else is secondary.

No nation has traditionally embraced this mentality more enthusiastically than Italy, whose four World Cup triumphs were not built on idealism. While countries such as Brazil and Holland became associated with beautiful football, Italy's greatest sides built their success on defensive discipline and an unwavering commitment to cynical fouls, referee badgering and strategic time-wasting.

Psychopaths are ruthlessly outcome-focused. Results matter and everything else is secondary.

Italy’s greatest teams approached tournaments like a bank robbery. Somewhat counter-intuitively, the Italians’ objective was not to look cool while entering the building but, rather, to leave with all the cash. When Italy were at their peak they, and their ruthlessly efficient rival Germany, understood something vital: nobody remembers how pretty the football was, they just remember who lifted the trophy.

BREAK THE RULES

Psychopaths never let petty inconveniences such as morality or gentlemanly conduct get in the way of success. Rules and ethics may be admirable qualities, but they don't look nearly as good in the history books as a winner’s medal.

Maradona's ‘Hand of God’ may have been blatant cheating, but it has also become one of the most celebrated moments in World Cup history. Luis Suarez's deliberate handball against Ghana in 2010 prevented a certain goal and helped Uruguay reach the semi-finals. When Thierry Henry handled the ball against Ireland and sent France to the 2010 World Cup, Ireland received global sympathy, but it was France who received a place at the tournament.

None of those incidents would earn you a Girl Guide's ‘community helper’ badge but all of them were what had to be done to win. I’m not suggesting that we poison on-form opposition players, as some cynics suggest the Germans may have done to British goalie Gordon Banks at the 1970 World Cup, but I am saying that we need to adopt a ‘killer mindset’ where we don’t immediately dismiss such subterfuge.

We need to adopt a ‘killer mindset’ where we don’t immediately dismiss subterfuge.

Admittedly, one of England's greatest ever strikers, Gary Lineker, never received a yellow card during his entire career. But while Lineker treated the rulebook as holy scripture and ended up as a soccer pundit, Maradona treated it as a set of informal recommendations and won the World Cup. Lineker may have scored 48 goals for England but just think what he could have achieved had he been willing to break the rules.

Even in the age of VAR, opportunities remain. Tactical fouls, time-wasting and calculated gamesmanship can all shift the balance in a team's favour. The history books are full of ruthless, rule-breaking conquerors, industrialists and sporting champions but are rather shorter on famous examples of people succeeding through courtesy, empathy and patiently waiting their turn.

THE TRUTH HURTS

England don't need psychopaths. One was quite enough and, anyway, Roy Keane played for Ireland. But I have no doubt our boys would benefit from adopting certain psychopathic traits.

If we are finally to bring football home, England need Germany's composure from the penalty spot, the Dutch refusal to follow the herd, Argentina's mastery of mind games, Italy's pragmatic ruthlessness, and Maradona's willingness to break the rules.

For 60 fruitless years England have tried being the good guys at the World Cup.

It's time to try something different. It's time to play like psychopaths.

How to Con Friends and Manipulate People by Geraint Anderson is published on 2 July. Pre-order it here.